If you would like more information on the planets in general then check out the Planet Page on Wikipedia, otherwise take a peek at the BBC's take on the whole Pluto Debacle. Personally I'm off for a lay down and to see if I can get hold of one of the "Honk if Pluto is still a planet" bumper stickers doing the rounds. Don't tell me I never teach you anything.

Thanks

Andrew

August 23rd 2006

The trouble with blogs,

Now I've been thinking about changing the way my website looks and feels for sometime now...well ok I've been thinking about changing it ever since I saw all the fancy bells and whistles on my mate Chris's Website. Basically what I had it in mind to do was change my little blog so that you, my two dedicated readers, could post responses to the drivel that I write. I thought it would be a nice way to get some feed back, work out how many people actually read the site and also create more of a community feel to the site with people being able to tell me and others their own adventures. It sounded easy, I'd seen it done before, but boy was I wrong.

Seeing that Chris has such a swanky site I thought I would ask his advice. He sent me back a highly details email listing numerous different things I could try as well as the pros and cons of each option. This was far beyond what I had expected and so surely must hold the key to my new fully interactive website. As I now had so many choices I decided to start with the one Chris himself uses, as after all it was his site that had first incited the green-eyed monster within me. Reading through it seemed all I had to do was download a tiny bit of software and then I too would have a groovy fully configurable blog of my own, could it really be that simple? Er apparently not.

I quickly discovered a flaw in my plan, namely that my webspace is crap! Now I am sure I knew this already and had just forgotten but as I played around it all came rushing back to me. You see my webspace is like one of those recycle bins for plastic bottles, though you would think that any kind of plastic bottle would be ok it will only actually accept green ones and you have to make sure that you have removed all the lids first. And so I have a lovely big 1gb of webspace onto which I can only post HTML files. It won't accept any PHP files, no CGI and most definitely no ASP files. All of which means I can't use the really easy convenient blogging software, blast it.

But hey that was only one of my choices, there were still plenty more left. Popping back to the first website I discovered that the clever people there had anticipated the crapness of my webspace and so offered an alternative. Completely free of charge they would host my new blog on their webspace, all I would have to do is connect through to it from my existing site, brilliant. I quickly set this up, filling in all the relevant questions and selecting one of the preset templates. Don't worry, it told me, I could always go back and change this later. Happy I hit the final button and stared in awe at my brand new blog. Now all I had to do was edit it to look like the rest of my website. Ah look a button marked "edit blog" excellent. Ok now lets select "Change Template" followed by "Edit Current Template", man this is easy. All I have to do now is type in the code for how I want it to look and...wait a sec, what's this? If I want to use CSS, that's Cascading Style Sheets for those of you like me who didn't know what that meant, I would have to purchase the CSS upgrade. Right, well that's annoying but really how much can it be, I mean all they have to do is like tick a box to say I have this option and everything is groovy. So how much was it, well the CSS upgrade retails in at only 15 points...er what. So how the hell do I get points? Ah I see I have to buy them, so how much are the points then? Er well that's not actually very clear, you see you can get points for either $15 or $25 but it doesn't say how many you get for your money. I like to think that each point is only a dollar, I could live with that, but from what I was seeing it seemed very likely that the points were $15 each. That means my CSS upgrade would cost me a whooping great $225. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

And so onto the next option, this time its another web based blog that seems to allow you almost unlimited control completely free of charge. Now this was more like it. After registering for my second free blog of the day I quickly configured it to almost exactly how I wanted it. It had the same background as my website and had all the various options that I wanted from a blog. All that remained to be done was play around with the look of the text and I would be set. Before I did that I decided to publish it to make sure all was well and yes it looked just great, the background was right, it was laid out correctly, in fact all was...er hang on I didn't put that there. Along the top of my blog was a dark grey bar with various search option on it. I spent the next half hour trying to get shot of the darn thing before finally discovering deep with in the sites FAQs that you can't, that horrible bar was the price you paid for the free blog. Reading a bit more I discovered that, aside from being aesthetically unpleasant, this bar gave people the ability to search for anything in my blog with the simple click of a button. This was actually rather cool and if I tweaked my graphics a bit maybe I could make it blend in better. I was about to move on when I noticed that at the end of this bar was a button marked "Next Blog". Now seeing I only had a single entry at this point I wanted to see how this would react so I clicked it...and got someone else's blog pop up right in the middle of my website. Not good. What's more this new blog's owner was clearly complete colour blind and lacking in any taste what so ever, as well as being from somewhere in eastern Europe as the whole site was written in Russian cyrillic text. Hummm.

So now I had a bit of a dilemma, for me this sort of thing is a dilemma. I had two free blogs registered under my name, one which looked very professional but nothing like the rest of my site and another that looked the part but which was linked to the daily musings of Viktor Chtgheglovski and his rather alarming fascination with gravestones!!! I needed help and so as always I called upon my resident expert in all matter technical, my Mum. Dragging her away from the cricket and her knitting I got her to look at the different options available. She agreed that, nice as it was, the first one really didn't fit with the rest of my site so probably wasn't a good idea and so we moved on to the second one. I was explaining to her about the annoying bar and the fact that it linked me to somewhere in Siberia and could see she was getting a bit confused so thought the best thing to do was demonstrate. It was then that I discovered something else. It seems that the "Next Blog" button is a bit like a game of, appropriately enough, Russian roulette in that you never know if you are going to get a gentle click or something altogether more unpleasant. And so sitting there with my Mum, my lovely little old Mum, my church going, youth club running, craft making, cardigan wearing Mum when up on my screen pops a blog aimed at people of a far more adult and definitely more perverse persuasion than those who visit Viktor's gravestones.

I've never moved so quick in my life. There I am with my Mum leaning over my shoulder and hardcore pornography scrolling past in glorious high quality fully animated colour on my monitor. Though it was only up on the screen for a few seconds before my rapid clicking brought thing back to a more family acceptable level it was up there long enough for my Mum to let out a startled "Oh my!" Turning to face me she gave a little shake of her head.

"I don't think you should use that one either." She said completely straight-faced.

And so here I am, right back at square one. I can't run my own fancy blog because my webspace won't let me and I can't use the free online ones as they are either run by control Nazis or porn barons. Guess I'll just have to stick with what I've got. That said if you would like to see either of my unwanted blogs, not that there is anything to look at mind you, then they are still out there in the wilds of the world wide web, but don't say you weren't warned.

http://www.andrewdart.blogspot.com/

http://andrewdart.wordpress.com/

Thanks

Andrew

August 20th 2006

I have had it with these @$%&*^£$ snakes in this @$%&*^£$ rain!,

So it's Sunday and as normal I didn't have much to do so for some reason that remains beyond even me I decided I would pop down the road and check out The Reptile Experience. My mum had picked up a flyer somewhere for the "event" and seeing that there was no way in hell she was going to go herself added to the fact that it was free I thought I would check it out myself. Now I wasn't expecting much, it would probably just turn out to be a grass snake and a tortoise in someone's back garden but boy was I wrong...they had a lizard too and it was inside!!!

When I arrived it was absolutely hammering it down. I was half drowned just getting from my car to the front door. Inside the place was full of kids and over in one corner a half dozen or so boxes that made up the "Experience". It was then that I discovered something that I didn't know, I'm not scared of snakes!!! You see I thought I would be, I'm pretty much scared of everything else to one extent or another but it seems that snakes don't bother me. I was expecting to find the whole thing slightly creepy but once I got up close they just didn't seem all that...OH GOD IN HEAVEN...why oh tell me why do they always do that? They called it a "Reptile Experience" not the "Sodding Great Hairy Spider Capable Of Carrying Off A Small Child Experience". Now I may have been surprised to find out that snakes didn't scare me but trust me I knew all too well that spiders scare the bejesus out of me. It took both of the guy's hands to hold this black hair icky thing and then he picked up this dead spider skin thing that he said he likes to throw at people who don't like spiders, the sick freak.

Big spiders aside it was actually rather good fun. I got to hold a couple of snakes, which was something I never thought I would do, and even got my picture taken with one. I plan to email it to Samuel L Jackson and see if I can get a cameo in Snakes on a Plane 2, I mean I think I look a natural.

Thanks

Andrew

August 18th 2006

Stop throwing pigeons at me,

Ok, I've had enough now! I don't know what it was I did to offend them but for some inexplicable reason it seems a cult of suicidal pigeons has taken an intense dislike to me. Now for those of you reading this and thinking that the existence of such a cult is somewhat unlikely let me assure you that it is indeed real and what's more out to get me. Think about it, have you every tried to hit a pigeon...er let me quickly state that I haven't, that’s not the way I get my jollies, but as I am sure you are aware it's not that easy. The sneaky little winged rodents always seem to emerge unscathed no matter how sure you were that you had them squarely in your sights. People even joke about the subject.

And so when the first pigeon flew head long into the side of my car last night I was taken somewhat by surprise. Not only did it make a god awful bang it also scared the life out of me and sent my pulse racing (logically not an easy thing to do). It wasn't even as though I was going that fast and had caught the stupid bird by surprise. I was travelling at little under 30 miles per hour and I could see the bird heading on an intersect course for a good 20 seconds or so before it hit. Surely the pigeon could see me and with its far superior reactions could have got out of the way in time but 'BANG' I guess not!!!

I was happy to write this off as an odd, alarming but otherwise one off experience. Once I got home I checked my car over and was pleased to see that, other than a slight smudge, the pigeon hadn't caused any damage, which is a good thing too as they never have insurance, and so quickly put it out of my mind. Until this morning when it happened again! This time the pigeon was sitting in the middle of the road facing me. Flashing back to the previous night I slowed down a little and was glad to see the bird promptly take off and fly off to the side and out of harms way. This time things were going to be 'SMACK' oh dear god the pigeon just changed course as I drew level with it and flew straight into my windscreen this time causing me not only to jump out of my skin but to swerve onto the other side of the road.

Thankfully nothing was coming the other way but it's only a matter of time before they get the timing right. I'm scared to get in my car now, I can just picture it, a sudden flurry of feathers, a massive bang and then a light at the end of a long tunnel and heavenly singing...quickly followed by a long drop and pitchforks!!! Whatever I've done to offend them I doubt we can work it out, I mean I've seen enough movies to know that you can never negotiate with people who employ these sort of tactics. I fear for my life.

On a happier note I just started reading Men of Bronze by Scott Oden. Now I am only a chapter into it but I get the feeling I am really going to enjoy this book. It's gritty, violent, pacey with great characterisation and a vibrant historical setting. I'm loving it. With that in mind I did a little search for the author on google and came across the guys blog. Now this is a guy after my own heart. Not only does he feel the need to report every little thing that happens to him but he gets overly excited about what can only be classed as "geeky things", worries about the affect Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is having on his life and is concerned that his discipline has retired in Florida with a French hooker. Anyway it gave me a good chuckle and gave me hope that guys like me can eventually get published...as well as taking my mind off my impending death by pigeon. Check out Scott Oden's blog and books for yourself.

Thanks

Andrew

August 12th 2006

A picture tells a thousand words,

Do you remember back over a month ago now I promised to write up something about my holiday in Newfoundland? You do? Well sorry to say that's not gonna happen. I mean it's not like I didn't try, I did, I even wrote up the first four days of the trip. It's just that somehow the more I wrote the more it seemed to subtract from the holiday itself. Because I couldn't get across adequately in words how much I enjoyed the holiday and just how amazing the country was it was as if I was belittling it somehow. Yeah it sounds silly but there you go.

Also while I was attempting to write it up I realised something, something that I should have known all along. No one cares about what I, or you for that matter, did on your holiday. Think about it, you get back from your trip and head back to work and of course your co-workers ask how it went and so you tell them. However if you go any further than "Yeah it was good thanks" you can see their eyes start to glaze over. Also, and I am sure this has happened to you if you think about it, if you actually start telling them about what you did every so often they will cut in with something like "Hey, that reminds me of something that happened on my holiday" or "I did that when I was away". Now I've been giving it some thought and I think I know why this happens. When you have a conversation with someone it usually involves both parties having something to contribute, people don't like to feel left out and holidays are the ultimate excluder. It's not that they aren't interested it's just that the only way they can join in is to change the subject.

And so with all that in mind I decided to spare you all a long drawn out article on the joys of Newfoundland. Instead I have added twenty new pictures to my Pictures page for you to check out so that you can once again see how amazing the country is for yourself. All I will say other than that is that I did indeed have a wonderful time and I recommend the trip to everyone. Enjoy and er oh yeah I'm sorry that the pictures are in a rather random order, I didn't actually notice until I was labelling them and by then most of the work was done...what can I say, you get what you pay for and I'm a very cheep boss!!!

Thanks

Andrew

August 4th 2006

The fake sound of progress,

Now I don't usually complain about work...well alright I complain about work all the time just not generally on my website, but today I just felt like having a moan. You see I have the dubious pleasure of working on an IT Helpdesk, which basically means I spend most of my day taking calls from people who are either angry, stupid or both. Also, unbeknown to me, I apparently spend a large portion of my time sabotaging other peoples computers as almost every other call I take is along the lines of "My PC's on fire, why did YOU make it do that?" or "I can't get into my computer, why did YOU lock me out?" I mean I had no idea I was such a menace but with dozens of people accusing me of such actions every day clearly I must be. I should be stopped!!!

Anyway I am getting off track. You see generally I can put up with the people who call me up and make my life a misery, I just hang up and have a good swear until my anger is somewhat vented, and in fact sometimes they can even be entertaining. I mean I still have a good chuckle now and then over the woman who didn't know what her keyboard was, despite having just typed her name on it, and had to ask someone else in the office to show her. Or the guy who got a call on his mobile, tried to call it back but didn't get an answer so changed the last number and got through to us and expected us to know what he had been called about. And then of course there’s the person who set off the fire alarm because they thought the big red box, covered with a glass sheet, now broken, and labelled fire alarm was the new door lock system. Those people almost make it worth while, apart from when they get really angry with you because you can't make their computer work in the office that has no power and no network connection because they decided they didn't want to pay to have them installed, it's what gets you through the day. No, what I tend to find myself moaning about to all with in earshot the most recently are those changes that at first glance appear to be moving you forward but actually end up making your life more difficult.

Now I am sure it is not just the organisation I work for that does this, if fact I am sure all of you have stories of your own that would fall squarely into this category, it's just that it's something we do seem to do so very, very well. As you can probably guess from that statement this isn't the first time we, the minions, have had to deal with something that succeeds in taking one step forward and three steps back, it's just that with two such prime examples hitting me so close together I just had to say something. Firstly we have just had a new telephone system installed for use on the helpdesk, the idea of which is to enable us to report more successfully on the calls we get coming in. We have been told that this new system is far superior to the old one because it uses the computer to take calls rather that the old telephone system that used, well the telephone. Now every time the phone rings I get a great big message popup on the screen over what ever else I might be doing at the time and all I have to do to answer the call is click half a dozen buttons rather than the stupidly simple "pick up the phone" method of the old system.

We were sent on training to be taught how to use this new system and I think I may have upset the trainers a little bit. I wasn't trying to get on their nerves, well maybe a little bit, but I just felt that there were certain questions that needs to be asked. For example:

Me - What happens if I just do it the old way by mistake?

Trainer - Nothing, it will still work and record all the call details doing it the old way just as if you had done it the new (more complex) way.

Me - Er so why do I have to do it the new way then?

Silence

Trainer - Er, because you do!

Me - Oh, ok then. So if we have to do it the new way then what are the benefits over the old way?

Again silence.

Trainer - Er, well there aren't any.

Me - Oh, but I have to do it the new way?

Trainer - Yes.

Me - Because you told me to, even though there are no benefits?

Trainer - Yes.

Me - Oh!

Trainer 2 - (Trying to be helpful) With this system you can record the reason you log out of the phone rather than just doing so!!!

Me - Right!

Which brings me back to the reporting side of the system. Now I'm not really sure what they are wanting to report on over what the old system provided (number of calls, length of calls etc) but the only thing that the trainers showed us that seemed to provide any extra reporting function was the nice little box you had to fill in every time you logged out of your phone. Yup every time I log out of my phone I need to provide the system with a valid reason for doing so, and while these have yet to be decided upon I find the idea of someone being able to click a button and bring up a detailed report of my toilet habits rather disturbing!!! So we have covered the fact that the new system, as stated by the people paid to promote it, brings very little of benefit to the person actually answering the phone, lets now have a look now at what it takes away. Well thanks to the wonders of modern technology I can no longer see who else is on the phone in my office, I can't pick up their phones without getting up and walking across the room and lastly I now can't transfer a call to the others in the room with a single button press but instead have to bring up the recall screen, type in the full number and then choose whether I want to talk to them or just transfer the call before finally pressing dial. Much more efficient.

But still I will admit I wasn't planning on mentioning this. Though it wound me up in all kinds of knots I could live with it thanks to a few wonderful words from the trainer, "it will still work and record all the call details doing it the old way". Yup that's right, I can completely ignore the new system and carry right on as normal and they will still be able to do all the bowel movement reporting they could possibly wish to do. Problem solved, and on to the next one.

I had only been in the office for about half an hour this morning when I was presented with a present. Now I like presents, especially ones that I have no idea I'm going to get and which I haven't asked for. There is just something extra magical about surprise gifts that makes them just that little bit more exciting...until you open them and find out it's a complete load of horse hockey. My exciting looking cardboard box contained a brand new TFT flat screen monitor, all shiny and tastefully presented in black and silver. Ooooo I hear you say but I will have to politely stop you right there. You see I hadn't asked for a new monitor and was rather surprised to be getting one, and so of course I asked why. The reply was almost as big a surprise as getting the thing in the first place.

"They are replacing all of the old CRT monitors with flat screens, it's been decided that the old ones are too heavy for the IT guys to carry."

Oh, ok then. Now back in the days when I was working as a techy I never had this problem but then sadly, like so much in life, they just don't make them like the used to. If they were too heavy then I could understand the logic in replacing them...until I noticed something. My new monitor is smaller, in fact a lot smaller, than my current one. My "too heavy" CRT monitor has a nice spanking 17 inch screen, and is also shiny and tastefully presented in black and silver. The new one, though it claims to be 15 inches in fact only has a screen size of 14 inches. That's three stinking inches smaller. Also because the base is not adjustable it only stands 12.5 inches high as apposed to my current ones far more manly 16.5 inches. I would now have to look down on the thing rather than straight at it and I am sure that there's a law against that or something. And worst of all I just spent a large part of Tuesday morning cellotaping a complex rig of paperclips and cotton thread to the top of the CRT monitor so that I could suspend the Superman action figure one of my colleagues got for me from Burgerking from the top of it so that he appears to be flying. That took time people, not to mention shed loads of ingenuity and the new monitor just doesn't have the required surface area to make the whole thing work nag damn it. But hey, it's an "improvement" so I'm not allowed to grumble!!!

Anyway I've got to finish this now, I have to set-up the new monitor before I go home or I'll get moaned at. Ah the harsh and ghastly unfairness that is my life, you have my permission to feel sorry for me.

Thanks

Andrew

August 1st 2006

Death of a Legend,

David Gemmell - August 1st 1948 – July 28th 2006

Last night my friend Andy informed me of the sad news. Last Friday legendary author and king of British heroic fantasy David Gemmell died at the age of 57 of coronary artery disease, two weeks after undergoing heart bypass surgery. I am sure you will join me in offering our condolences to his wife and two children at this difficult time.

I had the great pleasure of meeting David Gemmell in September of last year at a book signing for his latest novel Troy: Lord of the Silver Bow. He came across as a genuinely nice guy. Intelligent, charming and with a great self deprecating wit that had us all laughing out loud for the majority of his talk. He told us all about his early writing career and the rejection letters he got when he first started writing ("You mention in your resume that you are working as a lorry driver's mate for Pepsi Cola. This is an occupation not without merit. Good luck with it."). He regaled us with stories of his friends and family, most memorable being the tales about his step-father Bill Woodford, the inspiration behind his most famous and well loved character Druss the Legend. I also had a chance to shake his hand and get a picture taken with him and that's a memory I will treasure.

Gemmell's books dealt with fantasy worlds, worlds of demons and magic, great evil and even greater heroes. And yet despite this they always came across more as retellings of ancient myths and legends than out and out stories. There was something about the way he wrote that made you think that maybe, just maybe, there was some truth behind the tales. His characters also generally lived by a sense of moral right and wrong that the real world could do well to take note of. They did what they did not for what they could get out of the situation but because it was the right thing to do, even if doing so would cause them problems down the line. Gemmell's worlds were violent, vicious places but at the same time somehow more innocent than our own. The good guys would see a wrong and would deal with it because it was right to do so, not because they had the votes behind them or they could get oil rights out of it or that their daddy didn't like these guys when he was in charge. Personally I think if more people were like that this would be a far better world in which to live.

At the time of his death David Gemmell had just finished the second in his proposed trilogy of novels dealing with the famous Trojan War, entitled Troy: Shield of Thunder. Speaking purely selfishly for a moment I have to admit that my first reaction to the news of his death was dire disappointment that we would never get the third book in this already amazing series. No other writer of fantasy fiction comes close to Gemmell for sheer story telling ability. His books were exciting, entertaining, emotional and full of amazing characters that stayed with you long after you finished reading. The worlds he created were lush, vibrant, living places that seemed to leap from the pages of our own history and often appeared more real than stories of ancient Greece and Rome.

When we met I asked him a question whose answer now seems so much more poignant. I asked if we would ever see any of his books making the leap to the big screen, to which he replied "Not while I am alive, after that who knows? My family are all keen on the idea of making a movie out of my work so once they own the rights maybe it will happen." I like to think that a cinematic version of Legend would be a fitting send off for Britain's greatest writer of heroic fantasy, I for one would buy a ticket. In the mean time I advise you all to go out and pick yourself up a copy of one of his books. If you like fantasy then you will love them, if not then they are a great place to get into the genre as they never get too heavy (no elves!!!) and are always cracking good reads.

Fantasy fiction has lost a giant and the world as a whole has lost a man who can see a better world and we can never have too many of them. David Gemmell will be missed.

Thanks

Andrew

PS. If you would like to read my full report on my meeting with David Gemmell you can check it out here. For more information on the great man himself check out his Wikipedia Page.

July 31st 2006

Four more years, Four more years,

So that's it then, The West Wing is over. It's passed on, it is no more, has ceased to be, it is an ex-series, and I for one am very sad to see it go. With the possible exception of ER, The West Wing has been by far the best drama on TV over the last seven years and it is hard to imagine anything being able to successfully fill its boots. The stories were always incredibly well written and the cast was second to none. I honestly can't think of a single character in the entire seven year run who didn't come across as completely believable, likeable and memorable in one way or another. That said I think that they made the right decision in choosing to end it now, at the end of Bartlet's administration, rather than run the risk of trying for a few more seasons and hoping people responded as well with Santos as president...I think we would have but I can see why they did it. I really enjoyed this final...

PssssssssssstChuuuuuuuuurk!!!

Great shades of Elvis, what the hell was that? It came front the top right hand corner of the room and sounded like a pipe breaking and falling down inside the wall!!! At this very moment water could be gushing into the ceiling space, building up slowly until the plaster above my head can no longer take it and the whole thing comes crashing down upon me in a deluge of water and mortar...hey that rhymes. Er no wait, I can't hear any water, maybe I'm panicking for no reason, it's probably just one of my parents moving about upstairs and knocking something, er like a compressed air cylinder or something, over. Yeah that must be it, no need for alarm, I can go back to watching the last ever West Wing. Anyway as I was saying I really enjoyed this final series. It was great to see Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe) coming back for the last few episodes and I thought the way they handled both the deaths of Leo McGarry and John Spencer (the actor who played him) was heartfelt and very moving. Best of all was the fact that after seven seasons Josh Lyman (Bradley Whitford) and Donna Moss (Janel Moloney) finally got together. I know it's a bit girly to get excited about that sort of thing (I was giggling like an idiot when they first kissed, I may have even cheered!) but I am sure that every West Wing fan on the planet has been wanting it to happen since episode one. Also can I just add for the benefit of my manliness that Janel Moloney in her underwear was probably the sexist thing I've seen on TV in a long old time. Ahem, moving on. Another thing that has made the series so popular is...

PssssssssssstChuuuuuuuuurk!!!

Ok there it is again! It definitely sounds like something breaking and leaking inside the wall. But I can't hear any running water...maybe because it's not a water pipe, maybe it's a gas pipe! At this very moment gas could be leaking into the cracks between the bricks and the spaces between the boards above my head. A single spark could set the whole thing off and cause the entire house to explode in a ball of iridescent flame visible from many miles away. I've got to wake my parents and get them out...no there's no time, I'll just have to save myself, it's what they would want! Run for it, just run and don't look...hey what's that thing?

Ah I see, my Mum's gone and got one of those automatic air freshener things. You know what I mean, the tacky plastic thing in that advert with the freaky kid who insists on counting every single flowery fragranced puff, woman get your son to a shrink now before he starts mutilating the neighbourhood pets!!! One thing they don't tell you in the advert however is how flipping loud they are. The bloody thing scared the life out of me both times it went off and sounded far louder than a puff of fragrance inducing machine has any right sounding. I've gone and lost my train of thought again now. Ah that's it.

I think the main reason that The West Wing has lasted so long is Martin Sheen's powerful portrayal of President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet. Barlet is the president that all of us, even those like myself not living in the States, wish America had. The West Wing first hit our screens shortly after President Bill "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton was impeached for, yup, having sexual relations with one of his interns and then lying about it. And for most it's seven season run Conservative President Barlet's real life counter part has been one of the most controversial Presidents in recent history, every quotemonkey's favorite, George "Dubya" Bush. Compared to those two Barlet can't help but look a saint, in fact there are many people who have said that if Martin Sheen were ever to run for office he would definitely get their vote.

So what does the future hold us poor seriesless West Wing fans? Well for one thing we have Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a behind-the-scenes look at a fictional sketch-comedy TV show. It's written by the people behind the West Wing and from the looks of the trailer it stars half the cast as well (I spotted Bradley Whitford, Timothy Busfield and Matthew Perry, yup he was in the West Wing). I'm already setting my video!!!

Thanks

Andrew

July 26th 2006

...and the home of the brave,

Ok so this is actually my second attempt at writing this update. I scrapped the first version as it just didn't seem right, it was too clinical and somehow at the same time too sappy. But then this is a difficult subject to write about. I mean how do you adequately sum up how much a group of people have meant to you over the last eight years in just a few short paragraphs?

As of tomorrow my long time friends the Elberfeld Family will be leaving our little village of Fordham and emigrating to America, which for all intents and purposes probably means I will never see them again. The chances of me popping over to the States for a visit are rather on the slim side, as are the chances of them coming back to see us any time soon. That said William, the cheeky looking one in the orange t-shirt, did make sure he equipped me with his old webcam and has made me promise to set it up so that he can see me when he chats to me over MSN, something that from the way he said it he plans to do within moments of touching down on US soil. Hopefully he will let the rest of the family get a word in now and then but knowing the way he can talk non-stop for hours that might be unlikely.

I will miss them all greatly. A visit to the Elberfeld household could always guarantee you hugs by the bucket load, laughs, madness and three wonderful kids all talking to you at once about everything they had got up to since your last visit. Many times have I sat there, usually with both of the younger kids climbing all over me, listening to Jasmine (the eldest) tell me about her day at school, William giving me a blow by blow account of his new computer game and Amy explaining in great if somewhat confusing detail some wild adventure she and her friends had got up to...all at same time. Every so often Ralph would be able to get a word in, his wry but sharp sense of humour always making me laugh, or Lorraine would come rushing into the room, full of motion and often barely controlled but wonderful madness, to make sure I was fully topped up on drinks and biscuits and that the kids were not bothering me, as if they could.

Having known them for so long I have to say that they really feel more like family than just friends and they will leave a big gap in my heart now that they are moving away. I honestly feel that what this country needs more than anything is more people like the Elberfeld's. Loving, caring, unbelievably fun people, always willing to lend a helping hand, never a bad word to say and with hugs that can solve any problem. I wish them all the very best and every happiness in their new lives in Columbia, Maryland but really wish they didn't have to go. Keep in touch guys and I love you all.

Thanks

Andrew

July 15th 2006

Truth, Justice and all that stuff,

Have you ever really, thoroughly enjoyed something but been disappointed by it at the same time? This has happened to me three times in the last week and has left me feeling, well, a little jaded to be honest. The first time was when I finished reading Lee Child's latest Jack Reacher novel The Hard Way. Now I love Lee Child's books, I have every single one of them on my shelf and each time a new one arrives on my door step I just want to put my whole life on hold until I've finished it, and this latest outing is no exception. I really had great difficulty putting it down and actually finished reading it inbetween taking calls at work. Once again Reacher is on top form, proving without a doubt that he is one of the smartest, and most definitely the toughest, characters in fiction to date. This is most certainly not a guy you would want tracking you down.

The problem is that despite all the clever detective stuff and the death defying Arnie style action at the end of the book I found myself feeling slightly shortchanged. Maybe I read too many of these kind of books but I found myself easily guessing who the kidnapper in the story was by the end of chapter four, and they are very short chapters, and what the twist in the end would be about ten pages later. Child tried to steer you in a different direction but at no point did I waver in my conviction and so when, right near the end of the book, I was proven right it was a bit of an anticlimax. On top of this in order to keep the story flowing along nicely Child missed out what to me should have been the very first question that Reacher, being as smart as he is, should have asked when brought in to help with the case. If he had done so the book would have been over by chapter five as the "bad guy" was cunningly hiding out in his own back bedroom. By not asking it Child could keep the action flowing to the very end but at the same time made the question conspicuous by it's absence which in turn enabled me to pin point the villain so early on. But hey it's still a brilliant, well written read and please don't let the fact that you will probably, like me, guess the end put you off checking it out for yourself.

Secondly there was the blockbusting squeal Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. This was a great movie. It was funny, exciting, clever and the action was cranked all the way up to eleven. Johnny Depp was once again brilliant as the sea fairing rogue Jack Sparrow and the rest of the cast did a pretty damn good job too, especially Bill Nighy who was genuinely sinister as the evil Davy Jones (and I don't mean the short one from the Monkeys!!!). It's just that, well, it wasn't as good as the first one and despite all the great one liners, all the amazing action set pieces and over the top fight scenes that's what people are going to remember. That and the fact that the film reminded me so much of The Empire Strikes Back that I kept expecting Kevin McNally to start doing a Wookie impression and for Orlando Bloom to loose a hand!!!

Next, though I hate to admit it, is the new movie Superman Returns. Now I am sure you will have noticed from my previous posts that I have kind of been looking forward to this since, well since the closing credits of Superman 4. I love Superman, always have as the pictures my mother has of me aged 2 wearing red Wellington boots, a blue hooded top with a apron tied round my neck yelling "Supe Supe" with testify. I was almost giddy with excitement about going to see this film and, as you can see from the photo, I was not alone. And the film was brilliant! The opening credits could have been taken straight from the original movie, complete with John Williams' classic score pounding through the speakers. It gave me goose bumps. Brandon Routh was flawless as Clark Kent, even if this meant he brought little to the role other than a pitch perfect impression of Christopher Reeve, but then that's exactly what we were all hoping for, right? As Superman himself he was less good but then I think this has more to do with the sheer quality of his Clark Kent and the fact than no one can do it as well as Reeve rather than any real fault with his acting. Equally Kevin Spacey was perfect as evil genius Lex Luthor, even if in places he came across as an evil estate agent, like there's any other kind. But then this is still a marked improvement on the evil used car salesman the character was when played by Gene Hackman in the original.

Sadly Kate Bosworth was not a patch on Margot Kidder as Lois Lane. She didn't have spunk that Kidder brought to the role and just didn't seem the tough hard nosed reporter that we all know and love. The attempts to make her appear firey and independent by having her work on a case behind Perry White's back and sneaking on to Lex's yacht just didn't seem to work and she still seemed like a nervous, first day on the job reporter rather than the make a name for herself at any cost Lois we hold in out hearts. Perhaps this had a lot to do with the fact that her character is now loaded down with responsibility with a kid and an almost husband. Maybe she had to put her devil may care days behind her, and for good reason, but for us viewers this is a definite lose.

The inclusion of a kid into any story is also certainly death. Kid's either come across as infuriatingly precocious ("Wait I know Unix, just let me hack into the mainframe!!!") or unbearably cute. Admittedly there are some great funny moments to be had from Tristan Lake Leabu's Jason White as well as one great scene which had the audience laughing and cheering in equal measure. It's just that personally I really don't think the inclusion of a kid added much to the story that couldn't have been accomplished equally well with Lois just being married. In fact by the end of the film the inclusion of a son raises a whole heap of plot hole questions and casts Lois Lane in a less than favourable light.

But enough about the subplots, what about the action? Well the action scenes and special effects are all top notch and there is never a single point in the movie where you can't honestly believe that a man can fly. The scene with the 777 jet is breath taking as is Superman's rescue of Lois from Lex's yacht. Some of the lesser demonstrations of his power also stick in the mind, such as Clark throwing a ball for his dog or floating effortlessly down some steps instead of walking. These moments just fill out the power and awe of Superman without ramming it down your throat and for me were more iconic than the big set pieces. The problem is that despite all this the film was lacking, as my friend Cheryl put it, that "WOW" moment. You know the moment I mean, the bit where Superman flies so fast round the world that time itself flows backwards, now that's what I call super heroics. Yeah Superman does some pretty darn amazing things in this one and yes perhaps these days we are all a bit too well informed to believe that time has anything to do with the rotation of the earth. It's just that there is never a moment where you just find yourself flopping back from the edge of your seat and thinking "WOW, that Superman sure is something" and this is a very sad turn of events.

As I said to start with this was a brilliant film and can definitely be added to the likes of Spiderman and Batman Begins rather than dumped in with films like The Fantastic Four and the oh so poor Catwoman. Like my friend Andy, who was practically hyper with enjoyment by the closing credits, I too would have been happy to sit through the entire movie again immediately after it had finished. Unlike Andy however I fear that the movie's replay value may suffer in a similar way to Ridley Scott's epic Gladiator, as once you know what is going to happen you will quickly become aware of how the film drags in a number of places. Close to where we sat was a small child who, during one of the films darker scenes, spoke up in a voice full of fear saying, "Mommy, will Superman be alright?" This is exactly the emotional response director Bryan Singer was going for, it's just that I worry that if this same kid were to sit through the film again his tiny voice would no doubt proclaim boredom rather than concern. In the end it was a brilliant, larger than life film that made be want to find out my old red boots again but which at the same time could have been so much more. Here's hoping Singer gets a second chance to get right the small bits he got wrong.

Thanks

Andrew

July 3rd 2006

Just when you thought it was safe to step out your front door,

I have always been a strong believer that your holiday officially ends the moment you step out of your house on your first day back at work. Up until that moment your life was, as much as it can be anyway, your own. The second that door closes however you once again belong to the corporate, or in my case government, machine. Which probably explains why it was at that very moment that things started to go wrong.

Strangely enough up to that point I was in a fairly good mood rather than the pit of depression and misery in which I usually wallow. I hadn't got much sleep the night before due to the oppressive heat but I was still feeling fairly jazzed from my hols and as such stepped through that door with a smile on my face. I had barely taken a single step when all that changed. Opening the back gate I proceeded to drop everything I was carrying in that "Oh no, I'm not going to drop it, yup I've got it...nah there it goes" way the results in you practically throwing things on the floor rather than just dropping them. And so I end up with a broken CD case on the CD I only got the day before and a scratched pair of sunglasses. I think my Ipod survived pretty much intact but then I haven't actually tried it yet. Picking everything up I bundled everything into my car and reversed out of the driveway.

At this point in the story we need to flash back to the Saturday before I went on holiday. I've just returned from having my hair cut by a very nice young lady at the hairdressers and am approaching a roundabout. I slip my car out of forth and attempt to put it into third...but it won't go. Ok the roundabout it getting closer, stuff third lets try second...no luck there either. At the roundabout now, how about first...nothing doing. In fact it turns out my car won't go into any gear at all. I have to pull to a complete stop and for some reason only after I have stopped and restarted the engine does it slip, somewhat stiffly, back into gear. Slightly worried about this I give the local garage a call first thing Monday, which is when they are next open, and tell them about the problem and the fact I am due to go on holiday with in a few hours. As expected the next sound I heard was that delightful sucking through the teeth sound that all mechanics make when something's gonna cost you. I turned out it could be one of two things, the gearbox itself or the clutch. If it was the clutch it would cost me a fair few notes but was worth doing, if it was the gearbox however I would be better off getting a new car. Great! After a bit more chat we agree that they would come a pick my car up on the day before I get back, have a poke around and let me know what the problem was before going any further. Thankfully it turned out to be the clutch and as such is only going to cost me the best part of £500 when I take it in on Wednesday.

Which is all a very long winded way of me saying that when I got in my car this morning it wasn't parked in it's usual place. Whoever had parked my car had positioned it far closer to the wall than I ever park it, but, after the whole dropping things incident, I wasn't really pay attention to this and as such when I reversed out of the drive as normal I clipped the bush at the edge of the house, usually located a good few feet away from my car, and proceeded to knock off my wing mirror. After much swearing, two fairly cut up fingers and a nice black mark on my cream shirt I managed to get it back in place and was finally able to get on my way. And to add insult to injury, literally, my car seems to be running better than it has in years. Maybe it's just that I haven't driven it in two weeks but it seems to be running amazingly well and purring like a pussy cat...which makes it all the more painful that I have to pay £500 to get it "fixed"!

None of which has anything to do with what I wanted to say to you lot before I left the house this morning. You see just before I went on holiday I came across something which will have all guys my age hoping up and down with child like excitement. No it's not the fact that the brilliant looking Superman Returns comes out in the UK in just under two weeks, or the fact that the lovely Sarah Michelle Gellar will be playing a porn star in her next movie, Southland Tales. No the exciting news is that they are making a live action Transformers Movie!!! Yes that's right, those battling robots in disguise will be smashing their way into the cinemas early next year, and what's more it's being directed by Michael Bay who knows how to make a good action movie (Just check out The Island, yes I know the critics hated it but I loved it). Unfortunately your best bet for a glance at choch-koch-keck-kek-keek action at present is the Citroen C4 Advert. That said I did manage to find what may or may not be a bit of test footage of everyone favourite heavy good vehicle Optimus Prime in action. Other than that I suggest you take a peak at the Official Transformers Movie Website for a slightly less than exciting teaser, or alternatively pop over to Wikipedia to top up on your Transformers Knowledge.

So what's next then? A live action version of Thundercats maybe, or perhaps they will take another shot at making a decent He-Man movie. Only time will tell...and me as soon as I have the info of course!!!

Thanks

Andrew

July 1st 2006

I'm Baaaaaack,

Well that's my holiday done with for another year and I must say that once again an amazing time was had by all over in Newfoundland. We both saw and did some fantastic things and once again all completely fell in love with the country. I was planning to tell you all about it now but alas our midnight flight home was delayed by five hours, added to which I spent most of that time suffering from a mild case of food poisoning (I knew I shouldn't have had the mussels) and so right now I just want to get my head down for a few hours. That said I promise to post a full report of my adventures later in the week.

Good to be home but really didn't want to come back.

Thanks

Andrew

June 14th 2006

Biomedical Scientist by day, Masked Avenger by night,

Well so much for the whole "this will be my last entry for a while" thing, seems that this week leading up to my hols is jam packed with stuff worth a mention. Today's subject of interest is my good friend Richard Young who celebrates his 28th Birthday today. Richard, who is the slightly less red one in the picture, is accompanying me on my return trip to Newfoundland next week and I am sure many wacky adventures will ensue.

All the best mate and hope you have a great day.

Thanks

Andrew

June 11th 2006

The years are just flying by,

I can't believe I completely forgot about this, today is my little sister and her hubby's 1st Wedding Anniversary. Yup that's right Shane and Jenni Heffer have been married for an entire year now already! It's seems like only a few months back that they were tying the knot but clearly my perception of time isn't what it used to be. Anyway here's wishing to two of them a wonderful day and many many more anniversaries to come. Unfortunately my sister has come down with some kind of virus that has completely knocked her for six and so they won't be able to go out and celebrate as planned. The doctors have prescribed her just over half of all the drugs they have in stock so I am sure she will be feeling better in no time. Besides as long as they are together that's all that really matters.

Congratulations and get well soon Sis.

Thanks

Andrew

PS. Wasn't last night's episode of Dr Who brilliant, far too scary to have been on at 7 o'clock. It reminded me very much of Aliens in places, especially when they were being chased down the maintenance shafts. Great stuff, keep it up guys.

June 9th 2006

Uh like that was totally cool dude,

I've got a couple of things on my mind today that I feel like sharing, nothing earth shattering mind you, just a few things that caught my attention. Before I start however I am sure you will have noticed the picture to the right. Yes as promised I have now got my hands on a picture of Andy and Jemima Malam from their wedding last week to share with you. Once again I would like to wish them all the best in the years to come and as you can see Jemima did indeed look lovely. A big thank you to Jerry Bendall for the photo.

Ok now I've got the part you might actually be interested in out of the way I thought I would waffle for a while. This is in no particular order so I think I'll start with the thing that impressed me all of about ten minutes ago and so is still fresh in my mind. One of the guys I work with, Michael, has just sent me a screen shot of the upcoming EA/Crytek FPS game Crysis and it completely blew me away. I had seen pictures and videos of this before and knew if was going to look amazing but this picture really shows the fantastically high level of detail the Crytek team are pouring into it. I usually don't do this, as normally a small picture is enough, but if you click on the image to the left you can get a look at the full sized screen shot and see just how impressive the graphics really are. Yeah you can still tell it's computer generated but you have to look really hard. And because the game is being made by the creators of the excellent FarCry you can bet it's not just going to look incredible but will play that way too. For more info take a peek at the Crysis Previews on the Gamespot Website and be sure to check out the dead impressive gameplay videos. I can't wait until the full game arrives...though I think I may need a new pc to run it!!!

We've reached that time of year now where most of the TV shows we've been watching for the last six months are drawing to an end, at least until next season, and boy have they been going out in style. I won't give anything away in case you haven't seen them yourself but the series finales of ER, Smallville, Prison Break and Supernatural have all been brilliant and have left me desperate for 2007 to hurry up and arrive. We also had the last ever episode of Charmed that, after a fairly disappointing series all told, left me once again with a smile on my face as the final credits rolled. My Name Is Earl however went out with a bit of a whimper, yeah it was still really funny it's just that until my mate Chris informed me that last weeks was the last one this morning I had no idea, it just didn't seem any different from the rest...not that that's a bad thing.

Keeping on the subject of TV did any of you see that excellent 3 part series The Triangle over the recent bank holiday? I didn't know anything about it until 5 minutes after it had started but once I tuned in I was hooked. I expected it to be really cheesy and low budget and yes admittedly there were a couple of ropey special effects but otherwise it was really good and looked more like a movie that your usual made for TV outing. The story followed four people sent to investigate the truth behind the numerous disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle over the centuries. As you can probably guess they quickly find even more than they were looking for and become caught up in an experiment to produce an alternate reality weapon. It started the likes of Sam Neill, Catherine Bell and Lou Diamond Phillips and was written and produced by Bryan Singer (the guy behind X-men and the upcoming Superman Returns movie), which probably explains the high production value. If you didn't catch it then you will be glad to hear that it's already available on DVD, well worth checking out.

Anyway it's only a week to go now until I head off on my holidays back to Newfoundland and as such this is likely to be my last entry for a while...unless of course something really exciting, or judging by recent posts just mildly interesting, happens between now and then. As such I leave you with a link to an interesting article on What Effect Reading Has on Our Minds. I have always been a big supporter of getting people to read more and now I have scientific proof to back up what I have been saying. So get on out there and read a book...preferably one of mine!!!

Thanks

Andrew

May 31st 2006

I have the answer...no wait, I forgot to carry the 2,

Another Heffer birthday to announce, this time it's my brother-in-law Shane Heffer who celebrated his 25th Birthday today. Here's wishing him all the best and many happy returns for the day. Sorry your present hasn't turned up yet bud, I'll try ordering more in advance next year. Doh!

On the subject of Doh I owe my best mate James Lambeth a big apology for forgetting to mention his 25th Birthday on the 22nd May. Luckily I didn't forget the event itself and James, who is currently down in Brighton studying at the Brighton Institute of Modern Music, apparently spent the day doing exams, the lucky guy. In order to make up for this unforgivable oversight I thought I would take a moment to plug his amazingly good new band Samsara. Samsara are a five piece band that blend blues, jazz, rock and reggae into something unique and incredibly catchy. They have obviously found a gap in the market as though they have only been together for a short time they are already becoming very well known on the Brighton music scene and are drawing masses of new fans every time they play. But don't take my word for it, pop on over to the Samsara Website and have a listen to some of their tracks yourself and open up those dusty minds!!!

Ok onto the main part of today's update. I went and saw The Da Vinci Code Movie last night and felt the urge to say something about it. I should probably start by being honest and telling you that this is in fact the second version of what I intended to say. I wrote the first one before seeing the film and it was mainly about how I though the whole thing was an over hyped piece of marketing magic and how the "Evil Christian Church™" basically shot themselves in the foot and provided Dan Brown with millions of pounds worth of free publicity by going off on one about it in the first place (I'm happy to email it to anyone who is really desperate to read it). After having seen the film however I no longer felt like posting that version. Don't get me wrong my opinions on the whole matter haven't changed at all it's just that it no longer seems worth it.

Right from the start I really wasn't fussed about seeing the movie. I'd read the book, back when it very first came out, and hadn't been all that impressed and from what I had heard the movie stuck very closely to the source material. However I promised my friend Tristyn (computer guru and ipod expert extraordinaire) that I would go into it with an open mind and, aside from a few quips during the opening credits, I think I managed to do this pretty well. And so what did I think? Well to be honest I thought about the film exactly what I thought about the book. I thought it was a very well thought out story that clearly had been researched in meticulous detail and which raised some very interesting questions. It was set in some beautiful locations that were described in great detail in the book and which looked amazing on screen. However just like the book I thought it was incredibly slow, overly talky and, apart from the places where it took huge cognitive leaps, very predictable. The one benefit over the book was that Tom Hanks, though as wooden as an oak tree in this, came across as a lot more likeable that his book counterpart. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he's Tom Hanks and, well, you like the guy anyway. As for the character of Robert Langdon I still found him a highly unsympathetic character who struck me as a bit of a elitist know it all snob, I just didn't like the guy enough to care about him.

So why, when I ended up thinking exactly what I thought I would end up thinking, did I decided to scrap the first far harsher version of this blog? The thing is that despite the film not being all that brilliant it did inspire a fairly deep in-depth theological discussion between me and my friends afterward which is something of a rare thing. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that my friends are not an intelligent bunch, far from it, in fact they are an incredibly smart assortment of people, many of whom could be considered experts in their chosen fields. It's just that they are also an incurably fun group, or cult as we decided last night, and as such our conversations tend to be about amusing and entertaining subjects as well as our mutual appreciation for the fairer sex. Strangely the topics of Christ's divinity, renaissance artwork and the history of the church don't come up that often. But when they do I enjoy a good debate more than most, which is probably clear by the fact I did most if not all of the talking last night. Sorry guys.

Anyhow I decided that I couldn't really post something just slagging it off when I actually had an enjoyable evening. Instead I thought I would do a little bit of research and stick on some links that will provide a bit of further reading on the subjects raised in the book/film, as well as a link to where you can get yourself a copy of the book (and the keyring and the mug and the tour of London) if you are the one person in the world who hasn't read it yet. Enjoy.

Leonardo Da Vinci - The Renaissance Man (BBC)
Leonardo Da Vinci Biography
Leonardo Da Vinci (Wikipedia)
Priory of Sion Official International Website
Priory of Sion - The Facts, The Theories, The Mystery
Priory of Sion (Wikipedia)
The Da Vinci Code, the Catholic Church and Opus Dei
Breaking The Da Vinci Code - Christian History
Da Vinci Code Research Guide
Official Dan Brown Website
Da Vinci Code Stuff, Nonsense and Keyrings

Thanks

Andrew

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May 29th 2006

Raise your glasses please,

Well I've just returned from my first wedding of the year, which saw my friends Jemima Billit and Andy Malam tie the knot in the beautiful St Andrew's Church in Isleham. I am sure you would all like to join me in wishing the new Mr and Mrs Malam every happiness and many many long years together. The couple are set to start not only a new life but a new job together in Somerset as youth pastors at Taunton Vineyard Church. I am sure this, as well as the marriage itself, will bring them much joy and fulfilment in the years to come.

Alas due to the approaching rain, not every wedding has perfect weather you know, by the time I had managed to extract myself from the church the Bride and Groom had already departed and as such I have no picture to show you. However a number of people who did manage to snap off a few shots before they were whisked away have promised to send me their's and so as soon as I get one I will share a picture of the happy couple with you all. However I can say, and I am sure Andy won't mind me doing so, that from the quick glimpse I got Jemima looked breathtaking in her wedding dress. But then I'm sure that those of you who know her won't find that too surprising.

Here's to the happy couple. Cheers!!!

Thanks

Andrew

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May 19th 2006

Probiotic my arse,

I have one of those jobs were all I really do is sit at a desk all day. I drive to and from work and when I get home I plonk myself down in front of the TV until it's time to go to bed. At the weekends I like to sleep late and then spend the day taking it easy, just lazing around doing nothing much in particular. I don't think of myself as a slob, mostly because I'm not fat, but as you can imagine this hectic schedule doesn't leave much room for exercise. On top of this I really don't eat healthily either. Chocolate Cookie breakfast cereal twice a day and a ham roll for lunch really doesn't cover all of the major food groups, no matter how much chocolate I eat to make up the difference. As a result of this I think my Mother decided I needed to be punished.

Now I'm sure that she didn't see it this way and was honestly thinking about what would be best for her son and heir but, as some wise man once said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The upshot of her trying to make me healthier is that she went out and bought a selection of those Vie-Shot 5 a Day Fruit and Vegetable drinks. Now she assured me that they were wonderful, my Sister and Brother-in-Law apparently love them and I watched my Dad consume two with obvious relish, and so last night I decided to try one for myself.

Right from the start I had my misgivings and as such there was about an hour and a half between me getting it out of the fridge and actually plucking up the courage to open it. Once I finally did I made the mistake of smelling it. Now I'm not a big fan of strong smells of any variety and this had a fair old pong on it. Right then I should have listened to my instincts and drop kicked it as far away as possible, but I had been told that these things were pretty much as close to heaven as you could get without popping your clogs remember and so I took a sip.

And good God almighty if it wasn't the foulest substance I have ever had in my mouth. I'm sure if some enterprising chap worked out how to bottle the sweat from Satan's arse crack that it would taste better than this did. But, my brain said, this is meant to be wonderful, and so against all the laws of nature I took a second sip. Nope still tastes like the stuff you find between your toes after a long day of walking in the mountains. Thankful I wasn't completely masochistic enough to try a third taste and promptly disposed of the rest, including what was still in my mouth, in the bathroom sink. After a frantic spell of gargling I returned to my room to dwell on what I had learnt.

The world seems to have become obsessed with the consumption of things that a few years ago we had never even heard of. Almost every other advert on TV is for probiotic this or good bacteria that and clearly people are convinced that, despite having survived for several million years without them, the human race won't last a single day longer unless we are all eating a low fat super health Actimel yogurt drink for breakfast that, if the adverts are to be believed, causes you to suffer server brain damage leaving you with the mental acuity of a five year old. The problem with this is that people are so convinced that they are going to die hideously if they don't eat and drink this stuff that no one stops to point out how bloody awful it all tastes.

A few years back my Mum tried to get me to take cod liver oil tablets for the pain I get in my hands and they made me feel so ill I actually had to take time off work at one point. Before that it was multivitamins that had pretty much the same effect and before that it was Rivita. Have you ever tried Rivita, it looks like cardboard and by god it tastes like it too. All this has lead me to the assumption that I am not built to handle health food and for the good of my health shouldn't even try. I'm twenty-eight now and despite my slight grey hair issue, aching back and joints, bad hay fever, complete lack of energy and almost constant headaches I like to think of myself as fairly health. As such I plan to stick to the diet that has kept me going, and thin, for my entire life. Sorry Mum, better luck next time.

Thanks

Andrew

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May 18th 2006

An apple a day,

I've just got myself an iPod, and I love it. I'd ummed and erred about getting one for ages and last week I finally bit the bullet and placed my order, and despite my postman's best efforts, he left it on the mat outside my front door, it arrived last night. It's well nifty, smaller and sleeker than I expected, even though I've seen other people's, and with in an hour of having it I honestly couldn't work out how I had ever got along without one. Just having my entire music collection right there in the palm of my hand is unbelievably cool. I spent most of the evening with it stuck on random just chilling out listening to music, and while I was doing this I noticed two things.

Firstly my iPod is an excellent DJ. Now obviously the songs it had to draw on where mine to start with and so I was always going to like them, but somehow it always seemed to pick the perfect track to compliment the one before. Now I don't know if this is due to wizzy technology, maybe it can understand the key and pitch of the song and so selects the next one to match, or simply that most of my collection is fairly samey, but either way this cheered me no end. Secondly all the songs sounded better on random!

Now it may be just me but if you listen to an album over and over again it starts to loose something in the replay. It's not that you no longer like it but more that the songs start to blend into one another, as you always know what's coming next. With my wonderful iPod on random every song was a surprise and as such appeared fresh and new. I found myself listening to songs from albums I have had for years and wondering if I had actually ever heard the song before. The songs seem to gain a new life when you have things like the haunting sound of Hayley Westenra's Quanta Qualia flowing into he gentle opening notes of Crawling by Linkin Park, which in turn slips perfectly into Modern Mafia by Athlete. These are songs I would never have put together and yet they seemed so completely right that I was left wondering why I hadn't thought of the mix myself. As I said to start with, I love my iPod.

Moving on. While I'm on the subject of things that have impressed me I've been reading up on the latest PC game from Will Wright, the guy behind The Sims, called Spore, that will be hitting our shelves sometime in 2007. This is a game being touted at an Evolution Sim and it looks completely amazing in terms of both scope and game play. The basic, and I use the word very loosely, idea of the game is that you evolve a creature from a single cell organism all the way up to a universe leaping space race. You get full control over the look of the creature you create as well as the buildings it lives in, the vehicle it uses and even the planets it inhabits.

The game is almost entirely procedure based which means that pretty much everything you see and do is worked out in real time rather than being hard coded in advance. What this means is that you can create the wildest creature your mind can imagine, think the cast of Monsters Inc for a good starting place, and the game will instantly work out the way it moves, sounds and reacts to it's environment based on the options you've chosen. You start out as a single cell organism that you evolve into first a fish and then a single land based creature. After that you create a tribe and then a city and then finally you develop space travel and can go off and colonise other worlds. It's at this point that the real scope of the game becomes apparent.

The creators say that their universe will consist of a million stars, most of which will have their own solar system of at least four planets, many of which will be inhabited with their own unique forms of life. And where does it come up with all these different life forms, well from other players of course. The game will be connected to the internet and search for creature created by other people and select an appropriate critter to fill the gaps in your universe. As such it will be more than possible to come across a planet inhabited by the creatures your friend came up with, living in the buildings and driving the vehicle he designed. How cool is that.

Anyway once again I have prattled on more than I intended so will shut up now and let you get on with your day. If you want to find out more about the excellent sounding Spore then check out the Gamespot Website for articles, movies and pictures on this and other forth-coming games. Enjoy.

Thanks

Andrew

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May 3rd 2006

Supe Supe,

First off I wanted to wish my little sister, Jenni Heffer, a Very Happy 25th Birthday for today. I think she and her hubby are off out to dinner tonight to celebrate and here's hoping they have a wonderful time. Many happy returns Sis. Ok moving swiftly on.

I've just seen the new trailer for Superman Returns and it completely kicks arse. I was really worried that they were going to mess it up and thus spoil my childhood memories, but from what I have seen so far it looks like it's going to be amazing. The first thing you'll notice is the crisp visual style, everything looks sharp and modern but at the same time I couldn't help but be reminded of the DC comic books from which old Supe's first flew. The whole movie you see has been recorded digitally giving the director, Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, X-Men 1 & 2), even more control over it's look and feel than with more traditional film techniques and as such it definitely has it's own look.

The trailer opens with shots of Superman's icy Fortress of Solitude as it is invaded by Lex Luthor, played with apparent gusto by Kevin Spacey, followed by a quick flash of Superman himself, Brandon Routh, hovering silently in the depths of space. You then get a few shots of Superman as a boy, a sweeping shot of the Daily Planet and then a nice close up of Supe's in Clark Kent mode. It's all well and good but so far nothing to write home about. But then the first notes of John Williams' timeless score kick in and suddenly this is the most exciting trailer you've seen in years. The classic theme tune continues to build as we learn that Superman has returned to earth after a long absence and that the world has moved on while he has been gone. But luckily for us Lex Luthor is as nuts as ever and no sooner has Superman touched down than he's off with some crazed plan to kill billions of people using Krytonian technology.

The trailer ends with Superman struggling to save a burning 777 aeroplane as it falls rapidly through the sky and leaves you gasping for more. There is also a nice post credits joke that has Perry White, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane trying to identify a tiny speck in a picture Jimmy has taken. "It's a bird," Lois says and you can guess where it goes next. My one concern in the whole thing is the fact they have written a small child into the story and that he looks immediately annoying, but hey I guess time will tell. Other than that however the trailer was brilliant, but then don't take my word for it, check it out yourself and let me know what you think. For even more info on the movie check out the Blue Tights Website for Bryan Singer's production journals.

Thanks

Andrew

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April 27th 2006

Splendid,

The reason that this post is coming a few days later than you would have expected is that I spent all weekend and the early part of this week lying in bed feeling down right sorry for myself. It appears I picked up a touch of the flu, which explains why I have felt so run down for the last few weeks, and even now I have a temperature of around a hundred. Being the generous type however I am now back at work and doing my best to share the love. But back to the point at hand.

As a result of this, despite desperately wanting to watch it at the time it aired, it wasn't until yesterday that I finally got around to watching Sharpe's Challenge. And I must say that I loved it. After a 9 year break Sean Bean once again proved that the maverick British officer Richard Sharpe is the role he was born to play. Equally great was Daragh O'Malley as the burly Irish sergeant major and Sharpe's greatest friend Patrick Harper. Despite a gap of almost a decade the camaraderie between the two was as strong as ever and it was easy to believe that these two men had been through hell and high water together more than once.

The story itself was very well done, combining the best bits of the first three Sharpe novels, chronologically speaking (Sharpe's Tiger, Sharpe's Triumph and Sharpe's Fortress), and tailoring the story to the fact that Sean Bean can't really get away with playing a man in his twenties anymore, though he made a fairly good attempt at it at the start of the program in my opinion. Another nice touch was the inclusion of Peter-Hugo Daly as Sgt Shadrach Bickerstaff who was clearly a stand in for oscar nominated Pete Postlethwaite's character Sgt Obadiah Hakeswill, who features heavily in the three books but was killed off in Sharpe's Enemy and so couldn't really make a come back. I think Mr Daly did a suitably creepy job of it even if he couldn't fully match oscar nominated's crazy eyes and over the top approach.

Actually it's probably a bit unfair if I don't at least mention the other members of the cast, as they were all brilliant. Hugh Fraser still commanded the screen as General Sir Arthur Wellsley and it was nice to see Diana Perez as Ramona even if it was only for a second. Toby Stephens was excellent as the evil William Dodd and came across just how I pictured him in the books, while Michael Cochrane as General Sir Henry Simmerson still makes me want to slap him every time he's on screen. Finally Lucy Brown and Padma Lakshmi were both stunning in their respective roles as damsel in distress Celia Burroughs and scheming courtesan Madhuvanthi.

The first part was admittedly a little slower than I expected but still really well done. The second half however more than made up for it with lots of rough and ready action and scraps by the bucket load. I just love it when you get one of the bad guys saying something like "And there's no one who can stop us!" and then it immediately cuts to Sean Bean looking mean and moody. I get all excited...though not in the same way my Mum does!!! All in all another cracking episode in the series, though I now do have my hopes up that they'll make another one and, sadly, expect to be disappointed. But if this now truly is the end then what a way to go out. Amazing sets, the largest supporting cast yet and plenty of big bangs...though admittedly not as many as expected with Sharpe actually turning down the advances of both the programs leading ladies! For shame man, for shame!!!

Thanks

Andrew

PS. Well that's timing for you, I've just got home to find my Sharpe Collector's Edition DVD Boxset sitting on my doorstep...ok technically it was my neighbours doorstep but you get the point. Guess what I'll be doing at the weekend???

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April 21st 2006

Oh the indignity,

So there I was casually going about my day when out of nowhere one of my work colleagues informed me that I was going grey!!! After I had finished beating him to death with his own shoes I went and took a look in the mirror. Sure enough it appears that one patch of my otherwise glorious beard has taken on a distinctly monochrome colour as of late, and at only twenty-eight years of age this is cause for concern. Personally I like to think that he is mistaken and that this light patch of hair is in fact evidence of me going blond, though I am still somewhat undecided as to whether this is preferable to the alternative or not.

Being the thorough kind of guy I am I decided to do a bit of research into the alarming subject of Premature Greyness. According to the interweb two of the main causes of this are bad diet and emotional stress. Now maintaining an all round health diet has never been one of my strong points, despite my parents best efforts, so I guess that's a big tick in that box. As for the emotional stress stuff do you think being an overly sensitive emotionally defective hermit who hates his job with an all consuming passion but really can't think of anything better to do with his life counts? I'm not sure so I think I'll put that one down as a maybe.

In order to maintain the dark colour of my flowing locks I've got to start eating more vitamin B and cut down on devitalising foods such as white flour, refined sugar and all products made from them (so that's chocolate then), soft drinks, pastries, jams and jellies. Personally I think going grey sounds preferable. They say grey hair is a sign of maturity and I would be joining the likes of Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, Mark Harmon and of course my own Dad and I think that's pretty good company. Admittedly they are all a fair bit older than me but the only person of around my age I could think of with grey hair was Storm from the X-Men and as she's both a girl and a fictional character I'm not sure she counts.

Actually if I am honest the most worrying thing about all this is that I really couldn't remember how old I was when writing the first paragraph and had to ask the people in the office for help to work it out. But then they do say that memory is the first thing to...er you know...ummm what was I saying!!!

Thanks

Andrew

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April 12th 2006

Over the hills and far away,

Yes I know I've mentioned it before but hey it's my website so I'm gonna mention it again. The new two part Sharpe episode is now only a little over a week away and I have already entered the hopping up and down like a nutter stage of my excitement. Sharpe's Challenge, to be screened in two 90 minute episodes on ITV1 on Sunday 23rd and Monday 24th April 2006, will be followed on the Monday at 10.30pm by a Behind the Scenes Documentary on ITV3.

The documentary, presented by Sean Bean himself, covers not only the this latest outing but also takes a look at the history of the series, why Sharpe is such a popular character as well as including all the usual interviews and location footage you would expect from a program like this. For more information on Sharpe's Challenge check out the excellent Compleat Sean Bean Website (spelt wrong on purpose apparently) which feature lots of behind the scenes info and interviews with four of the cast members and several of the production team including Bernard Cornwell.

Now that you've got all that pencilled in your diary you can pop off and pre-order Sharpe's Challenge on DVD and the excellent sounding book Sharpe Cut: The Inside Story of the Creation of a Major Television Series by Linda Blandford. Also exciting news for those of you who are fans of the novels as well as the TV program, coming this October Bernard Cornwell will be releasing Sharpe's latest adventure on us lucky punters. Entitled Sharpe's Fury it follows Richard Sharpe's involvement in the extraordinary battle of Barossa in 1811 and no doubt involves him running around and shouting "Bloody" and "Bastards" a lot. Great fun.

Thanks

Andrew

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April 8th 2006

Nooo, don't go in there,

Not a large update today, I just thought I would let those of you who are interested know that I have just posted the second chapter of my online story The Gone. I know it's a little bit earlier than I intended and that you probably haven't had a chance to read the first one yet, but hey look on the bright side, now you can read both together. Enjoy and feel free to drop me an email to let me know what you think (info@andrewdart.co.uk).

Thanks

Andrew

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April 3rd 2006

Go straight at the Dinosaur then take a left,

Following on from my post about the Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition I took a trip down to the Natural History Museum at the weekend and took a peek at the pictures for myself. Once again I must say that I was mightily impressed as a good number of the pictures were truly breathtaking, especially when you read the stories behind them. I am even willing to concede that good old Jesse Ritonen's picture was a lot more impressive close up than on the internet, though I still wouldn't have chosen it as the winner myself. All that aside however I was left with the sad feeling that my museum days are rapidly coming to an end.

Walking round the exhibits I found myself spending more time thinking about how sore my feet were than how truly amazing the displays were. Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful day and saw some staggering things which had me saying things like "Wow" and "that's so cool" at least once every few minutes. It's just that the whole time I had this underlying feeling of having seen it all before. Maybe I am becoming jaded with old age, actually I know I am, but I think you reach a point in your life where no matter how impressive something is you have a frame of reference in your mind with which to compare it. Let me give you an example.

Probably the two most well known and popular exhibits at the museum are the Dinosaurs and the Blue Whale hall. Now while I took dozens of pictures of each I felt a distinct lack of awe at what I was seeing. The Dinosaur exhibit, along with a huge collection of prehistoric bones, now has a life sized animatronic T-Rex which is probably as close to the real thing as you are going to get without the use of mosquitoes trapped in amber. It's movements are incredibly life like, it tracks you with it's eyes as you walk past and finally it lets out a deafening roar before pouncing and eating you whole...er actually I made that last bit up. My point is that the whole time I was looking at this thing all I could think was "It's just like in Jurassic Park, man the end of the second movie sucked!!!" As for the whales the thing that sticks in my mind most about them was the sign that read 'Blue Whale Toilet' and feeling sorry for the poor sap that had the job of cleaning them when they got blocked up.

Some of you may be thinking that it's an age thing and that museums are aimed more at children, but I'm not so sure. Many times during the course of the day I saw parents dragging their kids around the exhibits. "Look son," a father would say excitedly, "a sabre-toothed tiger!" to which the child would reply by playing with a museum balloon or wandering off to examine a near by rubbish bin. The father would then mumble something under his breath about why they bothered coming in the first place. Museums are wasted on kids as they simply don't appreciate what they are seeing. Likewise they are wasted on adults who get the significance of what's on offer but have lost their sense of wonder. I'm sure that there is a happy medium between the two where you are old enough to truly understand what you are looking at but still young enough for the magic to still be there. Sadly it seems that I am teetering on the brink of the abyss of cynical adulthood from which there is no escape. That said I did think the polar bear, the ant's nest and the giant dinosaur arms were pretty cool so I guess there is hope for me yet!!!

Before I sign off here's something that might be interesting to those of you who watch BBC1's great drama series Hustle, which judging by the response I have got so far appears to be just me and my friend Chris. Anyway when I got off the train at Kings Cross on Saturday the very first person I saw was Silas Carson, who played the mark with amnesia, Kulvinder Samar, in this past Friday's (March 31st) episode. Now I thought this was rather cool but alas it seems that I am the only one. I was tempted to ask the guy for an autograph but the only thing I could think to say was "Hi, how's the head?" which probably would have scared him off!!!

Thanks

Andrew

PS. I think I should just note that the opinions expressed in this blog are mine, er well obviously, and so don't reflect the those of the general public who actually enjoy going to museums because they aren't all miserable gits like me!!!

PPS. I guess it is only fair to mention that I have been in great stinking heaps of pain today due to a bad back and aching knees, both of which I suspect are the result of all the walking and carrying of rucksacks I did at the museum on Saturday. It's possible this may have influenced my opinion of the whole thing slightly now that I think about it. But hey who knows.

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March 29th 2006

Tony, get the car,

Wow two updates in one day, this guy has waaaay too much time on his hands. Anyway that sad fact aside the reason for the double update is that I just saw something on TV that I didn't want you to miss out on. Starting this coming Saturday, 1st April at 8.20pm, Channel 5 will be showing the first series of the brilliant crime drama NCIS. For those of you who don't know NCIS stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Service (kind of a Naval version of the F.B.I) and follows the cases of Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs (Mark Harmon) and his team.

This is by far my favourite crime drama on TV at the moment and is an absolute must for anyone who is a fan of programs like CSI or JAG. Actually NCIS is a spin off of the latter of those two programs and I think that it speaks volumes that in the cross over double bill episode of JAG (A program that ran for 10 seasons) that first introduced Gibbs and his team every single member of the future NCIS cast completely out shone the JAG regulars. This is a fast, witty action packed series featuring some of the most likeable characters on TV. I was hooked from the first episode and am pleased to say that we are now half way through the third series on Sky and it just keeps getting better and better. If you want more info on the show have a look at the Official NCIS Website, or alternatively take a gander at the Real NCIS Homepage, which features an article about cast member Pauley Perrette (forensics specialist and goth Abby Sciuto). Check it out!

Thanks

Andrew

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March 29th 2006

He does go on don't he,

I've got a couple of things I feel like talking about so I apologise in advance if I waffle on. First off I'd like to get your opinion on a matter of grave importance. You see I like to think that my readers are an intelligent, confident pair and so can deal with the critical issues of the day without breaking out in a cold sweat like I do, and thus your opinions carry serious weight with me. Ok so here we go. I'm thinking of buying The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion game for my PC and am rather concerned it will have a seriously detrimental affect on my social life. Now those of you who know me are probably scratching your heads right now and wondering what social life I am talking about, but I assure you I do have one...or at least the remnants of one.

The concern is that I will become so drawn in by this game that I will no longer have any time for those few friends I have yet to alienate. I can clearly picture myself locked away in my bedroom, my curtains closed to block out all natural light in order to cut down on the chance of screen glare at a critical moment. First I'll give up bathing, then the pesky habit of eating and drinking and take to using the bin under my desk to deal with all those time consuming bodily functions. Finally I'll drop down dead from a brain aneurysm after a mammoth 72 hour gaming session only to be discovered a week later wearing nothing but a stained pair of y-fronts caked in my own sweat and vomit. On the other hand the game does look bloody good. You can see my dilemma.

In order for you to make an informed and unbiased decision I have included a couple of web links for you to check out. Feel free to email me (at info@andrewdart.co.uk) with your feelings and I will act accordingly. Plus of course this has the added benefit of me knowing who to sue when I loose all feelings in my hands and go blind in one eye from too much computing!!! Here are the links, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Review and South Korean dies after games session.

Next up I just wanted to quickly mention the Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition. I was checking out the pictures, and I must say they are mighty impressive, but rather than marvelling at the wonders of nature I was left thinking that the photographers clearly live in a different world to the vast majority of us. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. The issue I have is specifically with the winner of the Young Wildlife Photographer of the Year section of the competition. Now I am sure he's a very nice kid and his picture is pretty good, it's just the blurb beneath the picture that left me shaking my head. Apparently ever since he was seven years old Jesse Ritonen has wanted a digital SLR camera and for his tenth birthday he finally got one, a Nikon D70, complete with Nikon 70-200mm f2.8 ED VR lens, 2 teleconverters, tripod and hide. Now I am sure that at the age of ten no matter how much I had begged or how good I had been there is no way I would have been bought a camera that retails at around £625, let alone got all the extra stuff which adds on almost one and a half grand to the price. If I had managed to somehow wangle two grand's worth of kit then I'm sure I too could have taken award-winning photos as a pre-teen.

Anyway moving on. As those of you with sharp eyes will have already noticed I've added a new section to my website. Fed up with the fact that it seems to be taking me forever to finish the two new books I am working on I came up with a mind bogglingly brilliant idea - start a third one and post it online!!! Crazy as this sounds I honestly believe that this will help me get something done; no hear me out. You see you guys benefit, if you can call it that, by having something to read while I have something else to occupy my mind when it gets hung up on things in my two main stories. The plan is to post a chapter a month, or more if I really get into it, so that my loyal readers (can you be loyal after only one book?) have something to keep them entertained.

For the one of you who is interested the story is going to be a supernatural thriller set in the rundown town of Silver Peak in South Dakota. I'm currently calling it The Gone, for reasons that will become apparent, though this may change if I think of something better. The first chapter is already posted so head over and check it out. Let me know what you think and any comments and suggestions you may have for where it should go next...not that I'll listen mind you as I already have the story pretty much planned out, unless of course your idea is better than mine!!! Enjoy.

Thanks

Andrew

PS. By the way I have finally got around to adding some more reviews to my Book Recommendations page and all going well plan to add a few more very soon.

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March 8th 2006

Pie in the Sky,

Well we have been having fun with our Sky+ box over the last few days. We've had the thing pretty much since the Sky+ service became available and have had no problems with it what so ever. However this hasn't stopped Sky sending us repeated letters telling us that it was broken and that dire consequences awaiting us because of it. Despite us assuring them many times that this was not the case they finally decided that the problem warranted urgent attention and so dispatched an engineer to look at it last Sunday.

It turns out that the modem in the Sky+ box isn't accepting in coming calls!!! How, I hear you ask, does this affect our day-to-day viewing? Well the simple answer is that it doesn't, in any way, shape or form. Plus if we decided to book a pay-per-view program the modem still dials out fine without any difficulty what so ever. In fact it appears that the only issue with this faulty modem is that Sky can no longer spy on us and see what we are watching at any given time.

Yup you heard me, Sky it appears like to dial up your Sky box every so often just to have a little snoop around and see what you have been up to, and if they can't do this they get upset. Unable to fix the "fault" the engineer swapped our Sky+ box for another one. Yeah I know, you can see the punch line coming but bear with me a moment. He then spends almost an hour trying to get this new box to work before charging us £60 for not fixing a problem that wasn't even a problem in the first place. We then go through the whole process of setting up all the programs we want to record again and settle down to watch TV, safe in the knowledge the Sky can now snoop around to their hearts content.

Fast forward to last night. I've recorded on to the Sky box's hard drive the latest episodes of Prison Break and CSI and sit down to watch them...only they don't work. This new box it seems has a stammer. Every program we have recorded since Sunday jumps around all over the shop and keeps loosing sound. I am not best chuffed. I get on the phone to the Sky helpline and after talking to a robot for a good five minutes I finally get through to a living breathing human being...or at least something fairly close. Now as is the way with most call centres the guy on the other end is Indian, with a very thick accent and little understanding of English. We go through the whole song and dance of me saying something, him not understanding and asking the question again. After a few minutes of this the guy clearly gets it into his head that the fact that the box won't play recorded programs obviously means I want to change my account details. The conversation goes something like this.

Sky Guy: Are you the account holder?

Me: No.

Pause.

Sky Guy: Are you the account holder?

Me: No, that's my Dad.

Pause.

Sky Guy: Is the account holder there?

Me: No, he's asleep.

Pause.

Sky Guy: (Clearly confused) Zleeeeeeeep?

Me: Yes he's asleep.

Sky Guy: Zleeeeeeeeeep?

Me: Yes he's asleep, you know in bed.

Pause.

Sky Guy: Is the account holder there?

After about ten minutes of this he seems to finally get the message that I am not trying to change my account and on the forth attempt manages to put me through to someone who actually speaks the same language as me. Within about thirty seconds this new bod agrees with me that it sounds like the new Sky box is defunct, the long shot of which is that we have another engineer coming out tomorrow...who will probably once again charge us for the honour.

On a completely unrelated and somewhat more positive note I have recently received my first royalty cheque from the sale of my book. The cheque came to a massive $42 (around £20) and will cost me a mere £5 to get cashed into UK currency. I already have my new house reserved down the road from J.K. Rowling and plan to jack in my job and move in within the week.

Thanks

Andrew

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February 26th 2006

Dog Day Afternoon,

Well its been an interesting weekend with enough misadventures to fill a Carry On movie...though sadly without as much sexual innuendo. I thought I would just take a moment to tell you about one of the things that happened to me on Saturday.

I was driving over to my sister's house in order to go play golf with my brother in law (I lost by the way) when I rounded the corner to find this dog walking in the middle of the road. Now being a dog fan I couldn't just drive on past without at least getting it out of the road and so I pull over and get out the car. The dog comes wandering over and before I know what's happening it hops up and makes itself comfortable on my drivers seat. So I'm standing there wondering what to do when this woman comes wandering over, having seen what was going on.

"Oh, I think he belongs to the house just round the corner." she said. "He's always getting out."

Ok then, I thought to myself, I'll just drive round the corner and the owners can help me get the silly mutt out of my car. However first of all I've got to get the dog out of the drives seat and over to the passenger seat, and trust me this dog didn't want to move. Finally it decided to shift and I was able to get back into the car. So I drive round the corner with this dog staring at me, it's nose about two inches from my face. We arrive at this house and pull up the long drive way. I jump out, close my door and wander round to let the dog out the other side. But of course the dog doesn't like the passenger seat and with me out of the car hops straight back into my seat. Great.

At this point things start getting really interesting for at that moment two other dogs come wandering into view, a large Dalmatian and some kind of Retriever, and start barking and growling at the dog in my car. Not to be outdone the dog in the drivers seat starts barking and growling back. Now you will remember that I mentioned above that I am a dog fan, what I failed to add is the fact that they also scare the b'jesus out of me when they start acting like this. So now I'm stuck, there's a stupid barking dog in my car and two angry looking dogs outside, and I can't even drive off as the first ones in my flipping seat again and won't even get out when I open the drivers side door.

Thankfully at this point some American guy in a big truck turns up and so I nip over to ask him for help, hoping I don't look as pathetic as I am feeling.

"Sure," he says all American and confidant, the git, "I know that dog, I can help."

And so he comes over, opens my door and sure enough the dog hops straight out, though it continues to bark and growl at the other two. All this malarkey hasn't gone unnoticed however and a young woman, see what was happening from her window, comes out to help.

"Oh thank you," she says all girly and attractive (definitely the highlight of the whole adventure) "he's always getting out and...oh!"

Oh dear.

"Oh what?" I say.

"Well, that's not my dog." she replies.

Bugger, I think. Well at least that explains all the barking.

"Just leave him here," the girl adds, "I'm sure he can find his way home."

I agree, somewhat hesitantly, get back in my car, turn round and head back down the driveway. I get to the end of the driveway and what do you think I find. Yup that's right, the dogs standing there looking to all intent and purpose likes he's about to go straight back into the road again. Now at this point any sane person would have thought to themselves "not my problem, I'm late and I've done more than enough already." However, as I am sure many will testify, I am far from sane.

"Come on." I say getting out and opening my back door. "In you get."

The dog, rather happily it seems, jumps into my back seat and, before I can get back into the car, hops straight over into the drivers seat again. I think at this point it may have started laughing at me but I can't be sure. A few minutes of dog moving fiasco later and I'm back behind the wheel again. So what now? The silly dogs staring at me again and I still have no idea what to do with it. And so I start thinking about the pub, no not for that reason, but maybe because someone there will have and idea who it belongs to. So the two of us head to the pub, me watching the road and the dog watching me. I get out, the dog gets into my seat, and I go into the pub.

"Yeah, sure I know that dog." The woman behind the bar says after half the people in there have come out to take a look. "Just go down that road right to the end, it lives there."

Cool, soon this will be all over. I move the dog and head down the road. The dog stares, I drive. And there's no house!!! Maybe I've gone too far, so I back up the road and stop at the first house I come too. Maybe this is the one she meant? I get out and the dog does the usual. I go over to the house and ring the bell. After a while a lady answers.

"Hi, I found this black dog in the middle of the road."

"Oh, I have a black dog." Yes! "But he's here." No!

Ok so now this is getting ridiculous, I'm starting to think that this dog is going to end up living with me at this rate, I mean with have a nice rapport going. I tell it to move over or get out of the car and it stares at me like an idiot. Relationships have been built on less. But thankfully

"Ah, that's Holly, she lives at the end of the road, you can't see the house from the road, just drop her here and she'll find her way back."

Groovy. So I try to get the dog out of the car, but its not happening. So I ask the woman for a hand and of course the dog jumps right out. If it wasn't laughing at me before it definitely is now. Righty'oh, off you go Holly. But nah that would be too easy. The second the woman lets go of her collar she jumps straight back into my car again. I clearly made a friend for life, either that or the dogs got a wicked sense of humour.

Anyway to cut a very long story short the woman gets the dog out of my car and holds on to it until I can drive off. The dog then finally plods off down the road, somewhat disappointedly I like to think, and I go off to play golf, almost get in a fight with some old bloke on the 11th hole and then come back to the car to find the alarm stuck on and we have to go to a garage to get it disconnected. But that's another story.

Thanks

Andrew

PS. One thing I possibly should mention is that fact that the road the dog was walking down when I found her was in fact the same road she lived on. She was half way home when I turned up and took her on a little adventure. No wonder she was laughing at me.

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February 7th 2006

Very poor show,

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, well if that doesn't take the chocolate covered crunchy hobnob biscuit. Someone has only gone and vandalised my guestbook. Instead of posting nice friendly comments about how wonderful I am 'ahem' I seem to have been inundated with spam postings advertising the benefits of Viagra, penis enlargements and gay sex....none of which, I assure you, I have any need of or interest in.

I, like most of you I guess, am well use to receiving this kind of gumph in email form but to have it pop up in a guestbook, well that's just not cricket. I have now cleared out all the offending postings and will keep an eye out for any more. In the mean time enjoy this picture of me looking suitably peeved....er and mildly unkempt it appears!!!

Thanks

Andrew

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February 6th 2006

Walk with me,

Well this took me a bit by surprise; they've only gone and cancelled The West Wing. I know, it's pure craziness. True the current series has been a little dull in places but it is still better than most of the rubbish on TV. Celebrity Big Brother my arse!!!

Anyway if you are like me and think that cancelling this great show borders on a crime against humanity then you can register your protest by signing the Save The West Wing Petition, not that it's likely to do much good mind you.

Thanks

Andrew

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February 3rd 2006

Chosen Meeeeeeeen!!!!!,

First posting of the year, woo hoo!!! January was a fairly quiet month so nothing much to report on and to be honest I was expecting February to be very much the same. However last night I heard the exciting news that, after a 9 year break, Richard Sharpe will once again be striding purposefully across our TV screens. Yup, coming this April Sean Bean will be reprising his role as the legendary hero of the Napoleonic Wars and heading off to India for a two part adventure entitled Sharpe's Challenge.

Filming started last November and this story looks set to the be the biggest Sharpe adventure yet with exotic locations and battle scenes featuring thousands of extras, as apposed to the half dozen or so they've had in previous outings. The two episodes are currently set to air on Sunday 23rd April and Monday 24th April 2006, on ITV1, but this is subject to change. So, I hear you say, what's it all about then? Well here is the official blurb:

"Sean Bean is back as the swashbuckling hero in Sharpe's Challenge, an action packed mini-series to be shot on location in Rajasthan, India. Two years after the Duke of Wellington crushes Napoleon at Waterloo, dispatches from India tell of a local Maharaja, Khande Rao, who is threatening British interests there. Wellington sends Sharpe to investigate on what turns out to be his most dangerous mission to date. When a beautiful general's daughter is kidnapped by the Indian warlord, the tension mounts, leaving Sharpe no option but to pursue the enemy right into its deadly lair. Deep in the heart of enemy territory he also has to keep at bay the beautiful but scheming Regent, Madhuvanthi, who is out to seduce him.

The fate of an Empire and the life of a General's daughter lie in one man's hands...."

I don't know about you but I'm already getting tingles!!! Anyway while am here there are a couple of new shows on TV this year that I think are well worth a mention. First up is the excellent new BBC drama Life on Mars (Mondays 9pm, BBC1). This brilliantly original crime drama tells the story of DCI Sam Tyler (John Simm), a cop in 2006, who is knocked unconscious by a car and wakes up in 1973. Before he can work out what the hell is going on he finds himself starting at a new precinct under an act first think later DCI, Gene Hunt (Philip Glenister). What follows is a Sweeney like cop show with loads of clever culture clashes as Sam tries to introduce modern policing to a bunch of beer drinking, chain smoking, over weight coppers. The only problem I can see with this series is that no matter how good it is I can't see it getting a second series as the story simply doesn't allow for it to carry on indefinitely.

Another great new show that will suffer a single series due to the restrictions of the story is Channel 5's Prison Break (Mondays 10pm, Channel 5). This is the story of Michael Scofield's (Wentworth Miller) desperate attempt to rescue his brother, Lincoln Burrows (Dominic Purcell), from death row. Despite the evidence against Lincoln, Michael is convinced of his innocence and with no other option left gets himself locked up in the same prison as his brother. Though this appears foolish to his friends Michael has not gone in unprepared and has in fact a plan to mastermind the ultimate prison break. Throw in a far-reaching conspiracy and great action set pieces this comes across kind of like the first series of 24, only without all the annoying office bickering and Kim getting kidnapped every five minutes.

Next up is Sky One's latest crime drama Bones (Thurdays 10pm Sky One). Inspired by real-life forensic anthropologist and novelist Kathy Reichs it follows the adventures of Dr Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel), a forensic anthropologist for the Jeffersonian Institution who has an uncanny ability to read clues left behind in a victim's bones. It also features former Buffy and Angel star David Boreanaz as Special Agent Seeley Booth as well as a great supporting cast of colourful characters. I was worried when I first saw this program that it would become repetitive very quickly, I mean how many different ways can someone be identified by their bones, but so far this hasn't been the case at all. This series is very much like CSI, only with a lot more humour thrown in, which probably means it will run for years, no bad thing from what I have seen so far.

And lastly a slightly different show from the others. All my friends who have seen it agree that My Name is Earl (Fridays 10pm Channel 4) is the best comedy to hit our screens in a long time. Earl's (Jason Lee) life isn't going too well, due mainly to the fact that he has never done a single good thing in his life. When he suddenly wins the lottery and is immediately hit by a car he knows it's time to change. You see it's all about karma, if he does good things then good things will happen to him. With this in mind he makes a list of everything he has even done wrong and sets out to make amends. If you like quirky shows like Scrubs and Family Guy then this will be right up your street.

Woooo, heck I've gone on. Sorry about that, I am sure you both had better things to do that listen to me waffle on. Anyway Happy New Year, though admittedly a month late, and I will catch up with you again soon. In the mean time here are a few links for the above stuff that you might find interesting. Enjoy.

The Sharpe Appreciation Society Website
The Life on Mars Website
The Prison Break Website
The Kathy Reichs Website
The Bones Website
The My Name is Earl Website

Thanks

Andrew

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